Hello, my name is Charlene Byars and I am the simplywoman.com Empowerment and Relationship Coach. I write a monthly article about empowerment and relationships. Please feel free to write me at charlene@charlenebyars.com and ask me any relationship questions you would like to see answered here. I’m here to help.

I have been hearing a lot from women lately about their dating experiences and romantic relationships. While many women report being very happy in their dating life and in their relationships, other women share that they don’t understand how men approach dating anymore, and even more wonder why dating is okay until sex happens and then everything seems to change.

Still other women tell me they can’t figure out why they keep getting into the same relationships over and over (same pattern but with a different guy), and still others are voicing concern that men do not know how to treat them. This reminds me of a concept that I teach my coaching clients called The Art of the Dance.

Dancing is a great metaphor for dating and relationships. When two people dance and they know the steps, then there is a graceful shifting and exchanging of energy and movement and connection, and its beautiful. They create an intimate tension that’s flirty and sexy, and so much fun. Alternatively, when two people try to dance and neither one of them knows the steps, that’s when we realize that we are dancing with the wrong guy! Relationships and dating can be the same way – it’s always better to have a partner that also knows (or can learn) the steps.

If one of the people knows the steps, then there is some hope. Much like in dancing where there is a certain order to things, there is an order to the steps we can take in dating and relationships as well. Unfortunately, like most practical knowledge, women are almost never taught the steps.

So, what happens when we find ourselves attracted to someone and the stars align, and we start dating? The Art of the Dance starts in that moment when you meet that person and for a moment, time seems to stop and you can’t explain it, but there is this sexy connection that you feel. Some call it an instant connection, some call it energy. If you called it “chemistry,” you would be absolutely right.

This excitement and flutter of attraction you feel is the chemical gift you receive when your pheromones get activated. Pheromones are those chemical secretions that work outside the body and induce some activity in another person, such as sexual arousal. That feeling and connection is the start of the dance. “This could be the start of a great love,” you say to yourself.

But the thing about pheromones is they can cloud your judgment and get in the way of thinking clearly, and unless you are careful, you run the risk of missing the warning signs and end up with the wrong guy for you. So with all of that said, I’d like to share some of the basic rules I live by as part of this Art of the Dance.

Do the work on yourself first!

If you are looking for a great love, I believe that there is someone out there for everyone. I have always believed that there is more than one person for one person. You can fall in love more than once and have a few great loves.

But I believe to make that happen, a woman needs to do the work on herself to show up powerfully in relationships. This involves an honest look inward, being responsible for her part in how it went before and choosing how she wants to show up now. It is never too late to level up our relationship skills and put them to use in our relationships, even long-established ones.

Attraction is required and it cannot be forced.

Attraction is something that naturally occurs between two people, or it doesn’t. That’s it. You cannot force someone to be attracted to someone else. Many women are trying to force something to work with a man they aren’t even attracted to. For a relationship to work, mutual attraction must exist.

Know your boundaries and enforce them.

Be grounded in your non-negotiables. Women get in trouble in relationships when they compromise on their deal-breakers. They are called non-negotiables for a reason. Understand what yours are from the beginning and that will help you stay in your Woman energy. When you honor your own needs, desires and boundaries and are unwilling to settle, then you can attract the right man for you and avoid feelings of resentment later. If someone is asking you to compromise on one of your non-negotiables, best to move on and not waste time with that person.

For example, maybe one of your non-negotiables is only dating someone who is on time, who treats you like a lady by opening your doors and being chivalrous in other ways. Or maybe you are a non-smoker, and you will only date other non-smokers. Do not compromise on these, because you want to find the men that check every box. If a man is into you, then he can learn to respect your boundaries, but only if you enforce them. Never allow a man to disrespect you.

It’s a man’s job to chase, and it’s a woman’s job to set the pace.

Allow the men to do what men naturally do – it is their job to chase you, to romance you and to pursue you. It’s different than the feeling of being just a friend – it’s more much more. It’s a primal male need to pursue a woman!

The natural process of a woman, however, is not to chase, but to set the pace. That is the beauty of the dance. They dance partners lean in, then withdraw, they step in, and then twirl away. It’s leaning in but also slowing down to allow the man to react to you, to show you his steps and display his art of the dance. When women don’t understand how important this part is, they miss it all together. Which leads us to the next rule.

Slow down

Sometimes women take on a different energy and they stop the dance all together because they give in to their sexual desires so quickly that the chase and the courtship changes. They didn’t set the correct pace and missed really getting to see who the man is and how they show up for a woman.

I have always believed that a man should wait respectfully for a woman to say “I’m ready now to be intimate with you because I like the way you treat me, and I like how you show respect to me.” If a man is into you, he will wait for you. If he doesn’t wait for you, then he wasn’t into you and he did you a favor.

Get to know him now, because he won’t be changing for you later.

It takes a moment to get to know someone. With all those pheromones fired up, remember to take the time to get to know who you’re dealing with. Ask him real questions about him and get real answers before he has an opportunity to know you intimately. Get to know what he’s all about and see if he is truly aligned with you. Has he done the work to heal his own past? If not, then move on because you cannot change a person. They are who they are, and they will continue to be that way until they want to change.

Part of the dance is allowing a man to court you, to slowly get to know you and your private layers over time, while demonstrating how he shows up in relationships. Set the tone for how you want to be treated and allow a man to treat you like the Goddess you are. If this is a person you’re falling for, do the same for them. Be real and be honest – be willing to share what you want and don’t want in your relationship, and how you are choosing to show up.

Believe what you see.

Remember those warning signs we mentioned earlier? Men will show you who they are. So believe what they show you and how they treat you, not just the words they say. A man will want to show up for his girl when he has the right girl. You will get to know him by his actions so believe who he shows you he is. People will show their true colors if you just give it time.

That’s the beauty of the art of the dance, as you get to know him you can still play and flirt but you know to wait on the intimacy and your private layers until you know his character. You get to understand what type of man you’re dealing with when you enjoy the art of the dance and don’t skip the steps. You really give yourself a gift here. You get to find out if he is truly the one you’ve been waiting for.

That’s why I say it is our responsibility to teach people how to treat us. After all, if we don’t teach our men how to treat us then they’ll never know how and end up stepping on our toes in the dance. And I don’t know about you, but I’ve had my toes stepped on enough in my life, so I don’t mind leading this part of the dance.

Always remember that relationships are supposed to enhance your life, not detract from it. Relationships are not hard when mutual respect exists between the man and the woman. Life can be hard, absolutely, but the relationship you have with your person should be where you come for relief and support when the outside world is hard.

When we have unshakable self-respect and show up in our Woman energy, we simply don’t allow disrespect. When you slow things down and get to know the person, you are setting things up for a successful relationship. You start a healthy pattern with your person.

Well, ladies, that’s what I have for you this month. These are just some of the practical guidelines I use, and there are others. The trick is to find out what works for you. My wish for you is to find out what dance steps work for you and a man that is ready to be your dance partner. I hope this image of dancing and relationships is helpful as you continue your own journey of empowerment.

Kally

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