The Sweet Spot in Your Relationship
Hello, my name is Charlene Byars, and I am the Simply…Woman Empowerment and Relationship Coach. I write a monthly article about empowerment and relationships, and I am the founder of the Relationship Revolution System. Please feel free to write me at email@example.com and ask me any relationship questions you would like to see answered here. I’m here to help.
In the ever-changing landscape of heterosexual romantic relationships, it can be difficult at times to find or stay in the “Sweet Spot.” The Sweet Spot, as I like to call it, is the time in a relationship where everything is on fire. It includes the presence of easy laughter, being vulnerable and knowing you will be safe, an intimate connection that you can’t stop thinking about, and the promise of the safety and security of a solid relationship.
The Sweet Spot is where there is a balance of love, respect and power in the relationship, where both the man and the woman lovingly regard each other as full partners, and both take on being responsible for their own happiness.
One of the difficulties in finding this elusive sweet spot is the changing norms of the roles men and women play in relationships. Traditionally, women were raised to see men as the head of the household, the one who provides for the family, calls the shots and runs the show, with women playing more of a supporting or secondary role.
But (thank goodness!!) that has been changing, as the women’s movement started in the last century has steadily provided us women with more educational, professional and financial opportunities for success. In a perfect world, both men and women would understand and see the potential of this change and shift to a higher level of being related. Men would embrace powerful women without feeling threatened, and women would step into that power gracefully.
But the world is not quite perfect yet, is it? So, what’s the problem?
From my perspective, one of the problems appears to be that not enough men are being taught how to be an empowered man in a relationship with an empowered woman. Most North American men born in past half century have been raised with a heavy influence of the feminine, leaving them grasping for true masculinity, with few guideposts to show them the way.
They are also not being taught or shown why they should want an empowered woman in the first place. And, not enough women are being taught how to be empowered and manage the energy in a relationship.
While a man provides direction and purpose in a relationship, it is the woman who shapes the character of the energy in a relationship. Most often, it is the woman’s energy that guides the outcome for a happy home. Men provide the direction and women provide the motion. A man may point his life like a ship, steadily moving toward an objective or purpose, and if that is the case, women are the ocean and provide the energy on which the men set sail.
This is a huge thing to understand if you are in a long-term committed relationship, this connection between a man’s purpose and a woman’s energy. And there is one thing that we as women can control in our relationship that can alter the energy in which the relationship occurs, and ultimately shape the entire thing. That one thing is being aware of how you are showing up in your relationship.
Men light up when their woman is happy. In fact, the statement “I just want her to be happy,” is the number one thing I hear from men all the time. When we are aligned with the right guy, he is there to be your partner, provider, protector, and your one and only. He just wants to be in the Sweet Spot with you.
It is important to remember that men have their own needs that are different from ours. One of their needs is for us women to be in our own fully empowered Woman energy, where the neediness of child energy and the sacrifice and control of the parent energy can be minimized. Where the real, authentic YOU can show up and be accepted for who you are.
Real men light up when their romantic partner is fully empowered. Men need to know that their female romantic partner is aligned with their direction and they need to be able to show up in their full masculine energy and step into the role they are made for.
Women, on the other hand, light up when they know their man “has” them, protects them and is there for them. We need to know that our heart is protected and that we are understood. When we have this comfort, it is as if we allow ourselves to come home and nest in the emotional security of our man’s good heart. This can happen when we slow down and become aware of our own energy and how we are showing up. And just like how men need us to be empowered, we also need our man at the top of his own empowerment game.
I have coached enough women to know that the way many women have been doing relationships – from a perspective of scarcity, fear and wanting to change the man – keeps women stuck and frustrated. When things are not aligned between the man and woman, then conflict that leads to miscommunication and blame start to kick in.
This happens because neither party is feeling heard or understood. Over time, we can start to develop a specific lens that we look at men and romantic relationships through, and specifically our own.
But what if we were to look at this with a different lens? What if the key to an amazing relationship starts with you first generating your own happiness? What I have seen again and again and know from my own experience is that everything in romantic relationships starts to shift when women do their own empowerment work. It provides so much clarity.
For example, if a woman is with a jerk that has no interest in changing himself, then she can see things much clearer than before and make an empowered decision. What works is looking inward and finding out what’s going on with you and understanding what leads to happiness.
Another thing I know about men and women is that both need to feel they are #1 in their romantic relationships. When women embrace our feminine power and energy and men embrace their masculinity, a harmonious connection is made. Men and women both need to be heard and respected, and great relationships work when the energy is flowing in a harmonious way.
How do you have a harmonious relationship with your partner? It goes back to being aware of how you show up in the relationship, meaning your energy makes all the difference in how you feel. When we think that our person should “make us happy” or our thought is “if only he would…” or “when he does ______, then I’ll be happy,” that is when the trouble starts, and the sweet spot moves further away.
Putting that energy on someone else will just keep you waiting. It is a way of sabotaging both our own empowerment and our relationship because we are putting the responsibility of our happiness on our partner. Oftentimes, we do not even realize we are doing this transference of power.
When a woman is with the right man and she shifts into her own empowerment, something magical starts to happen. The energy she is projecting starts to impact her lover too. Men will begin to be affected by her empowered energy. If you are happy, he will feel it and will want to be in that space with you – that is the sweet spot.
Alternatively, men will battle you if the energy they get from you has them feel mothered or controlled (just like it feels when they are controlling us). Neither men nor women want to feel controlled in their relationship. When women are in a romantic relationship and we decide how we want to be treated and how we want the energy in the home to be, and we are clear with our boundaries, that’s when it starts to shift.
I hope that this notion of finding the sweet spot in your relationship resonates with you. I hope you discover and embrace the power available within you to forever alter your ability to get to and stay in the sweet spot. If your relationship is not quite there, this is possible by making a simple shift in how you are showing up. The patterns start to change and the overall energy in your home can change. When women understand that they are the Queen and their energy sets the overall tone in the castle, things can just start to shift, and that beautiful Sweet Spot is yours!
That’s what I have this month for you, ladies. I look forward to sharing more about relationships with you next time. In the meantime, if you would like to take a deep dive into this concept of how you are showing up in relationships and take some new ground, my Relationship Revolution System course begins May 5, 2021. It is a 6-week course via Zoom and there is a special discount available for members of the SWAT community. The discount code is “swat”. The link is www.relationshiprevolutionsystem.com. I hope to see you there!