The Virtue of Being a Single Woman
As you know, from time to time I receive emails from readers asking for my coaching or advice regarding challenges with relationships or feeling their empowerment. I recently received such a question and I wanted to share this with you because the dilemma expressed by this woman comes up frequently for women.
I am hoping you can help me with a situation I find myself in. I have been dating a man I have fond feelings for. I met him right after I left a long-term, up-and-down relationships with a different man who, in my eyes, refuses to grow up. I did a lot of soul searching before deciding to leave that relationship, which I did because he wasn’t ultimately ready for the type of relationship I want. During this time, I met a man who seemed to be the perfect match for me. He seemed to check every box, and we have chemistry. But as time passes, I realize that something is missing and I’m wondering if maybe there just isn’t a man out there that will truly be aligned with me. I’m wondering if maybe it’s time I just be alone for a while and forget about dating and finding a partner. My family feels I need to be alone. I feel I’m ready to meet a great guy but worried I won’t find him. I’m not sure what to do. Do you have any advice?
Confused and Feeling a Little Hopeless
Dear Confused and Feeling a Little Hopeless,
Thank you for such a great question and for your authenticity in asking it. I want you to know that things are not hopeless – not even close. On the contrary, this time in your life is a true gift! This is a situation that a lot of women feel confused with, so you are not alone in feeling that way. The feelings of uncertainty and confusion that come with relationships ending and new ones beginning, and the lack of knowing what to do can leave many women feeling stuck. And I want to free you up so can make the best decision you can for yourself and from a position of being empowered.
Sometimes for us women it can feel like if we are not in a perfect relationship, or a relationship at all, that something may be wrong (but that is just not true!). And it surely doesn’t help when family and friends who love and want to support us think they know what’s best for us and aren’t shy about sharing their opinions. But even the most well-intentioned people in our lives cannot say what is best for us, and it is only us as individuals who can decide what is best for us and what we need.
I want you to look beyond the confusion, second-guessing yourself and the uncertainty and see the awesome opportunity – full of fun, adventure and empowerment – that is available to you now. This opportunity is called being an Adult Single Woman. And being an empowered single woman can and should be a wonderful experience for a woman! It is all in how you look at it. But before we explore the fullness of this opportunity, let’s recap where you are now.
You say you have done a lot of soul searching to truly know what type of relationship you want. To me, that means you have analyzed, asked questions, spent a lot of time in thought, and came away with some things.
Good for you for doing that work, because being aware of ourselves and our needs is the first step to having the relationship we want! That’s awesome because many women skip this critical step or miss the empowerment lesson that it all is, and wind up in a relationship that in the end, doesn’t meet their needs (again).
Recognizing and making changes in our lives to create those relationships is the second step. That’s exactly what you did when you decided to leave the long-term relationship that wasn’t going anywhere, so you could be available for a more optimal match. Then you met and were attracted to a man that has so many qualities that you like. But after some time, you realized that even though he’s not “the one,” you have also enjoyed your time with him.
And that’s great, and I’ll tell you why, but first we need talk about what I mean when I use the term “Single Woman.” First off, a single woman is an empowered woman, which means:
- You have done the work and trust yourself to be empowered in your relationships.
- You love who you are, and you love being you.
- Whatever it is you want or don’t want, it’s your life.
- Whatever and whoever you choose to be with, it’s totally fine and up to you.
- You know what you want from men and are also clear about what you don’t want from men.
In practice it looks like this – on Monday you love to listen to music with John because he absolutely loves music and so do you. And you may or may not decide to see John again. On Thursday you get to meet up with Peter because he likes to dance and so do you. And you may or may not decide to see Peter again. That’s dating and this is where it gets fun!
As a single woman, you can have fun looking for a life partner or just getting to know different people. The best part is it’s not necessarily looking for the right one, it’s enjoying the process of meeting and getting to know new people and learn things about yourself. This is when you level up your relationship and assertive communication skills. Yes – practice being empowered and managing the relationship from a place of empowerment with each new person you meet.
One of the BEST parts of being a single woman (and fully capable of choosing your own life) is that you have an opportunity to be courted when a man wants date you and you want to date him. Like, seriously pursued and courted by multiple high-quality people and men you have an interest in and spark chemistry with. You get an opportunity to get to know different people and learn their ways. “How is this one in a relationship?” “Does this other one have the qualities I am looking for?” “Can I picture myself with this man long-term-ish? Why?”
This is the Art of the Dance. As I always say, “It’s the man’s job to chase, and the woman’s job to set the pace.” So my advice is allow yourself the opportunity to date different people, but remain in control and set the pace. With all of them.
Men are born to chase women – it’s in their DNA. That’s just what they do. When a man is interested in you, he will make it very clear that he wants to date you. And then we get to have fun when we tap into our flirtatious side and play and have fun with them. And remember, there is nothing wrong with dating and getting to know someone, especially if they one day may be your person for life. How you’ll find your perfect match is by exploring the options that are presented to you and attracting men that have the qualities you are looking for.
All of this is a normal process that occurs when we are single women who want to have fun. That’s one of the coolest things about being a single woman! Single women get to date and meet different people and have different experiences. Single women get to choose who they want to date and how they want to date and how many people they want to date. They get to say “Yes,” and they get to say “No,” without any apologies or explanation required. Isn’t that the best?!
That’s empowered dating, seeing who is available and who you connect with. Deciding who to move on with and who to leave behind. Dating is the best way to meet and get to know your future person. It’s awesome when women allow themselves to be courted by a suitor. It’s awesome to allow someone to pursue you and take your time to get to know them and enjoy the process of dating.
During this time there is no need to rush. This is where you can enjoy the process and the fun of being a single woman. Actually, just writing that got me excited for you! It brought me back to my earlier years when I was a single empowered woman and, oh boy, did I have fun! I absolutely loved meeting and dating different men and being selective about who I wanted to spend my time with.
I’ll admit, I was a little shy at first and it took a moment to warm up to the whole idea of meeting new people, but as time passed, I became more confident and continued to step into higher levels of my own empowerment. And at some point I became aware of myself in a new way, and I knew that the sky was the limit for me. I met some amazing people and amazing men to date.
I allowed myself to just be and enjoy being a single woman. I began to master managing my relationships with men and dealing with them from empowerment and abundance, rather than just allowing them to take the lead. I really appreciated myself for learning these skills.
I also had fun with it and kept things light, and I entertained all of my married girlfriends with the fun stories I shared. It was an awesome experience because I decided to make it fun and go with the flow. What I loved about that experience was that I got to call the shots for me. I learned how to trust my instincts, deal with anything that came up, and know that I can handle myself in any relationship.
And you can do the same for your life, too. You get to have different dance partners, so you can have the skills to know who is stepping on your toes and won’t learn your steps, and who you can lean into and then twirl away, then spin back to as part of the dance.
Give yourself some grace and trust your gut. You are the only one that can determine what makes you happy. It sounds to me like you are open and ready to meet someone, so go for it! Take this time for yourself to meet new people and enjoy all the fun that dating can bring. I suggest you give yourself all the time you need to meet new people, and eventually you will choose the right one for you to have a long-term committed relationship with. For now, though, have as much fun as you can being a single woman because dating should be fun!
I want you to have amazing adventures, but remember some guidelines, too, because these are very important.
First, make sure you have your boundaries in place with whoever you are dating. Let them pursue you and have boundaries that you will honor and ask them to honor. You are worth waiting for and worth getting to know, so take your time getting to know him.
Another boundary is that until you transition into a monogamous, exclusive relationship, you don’t owe anyone an explanation about how you live your life, including to the men you date and have separate relationships with. You don’t owe anyone an explanation about how you may be dating.
You have the total freedom to enjoy being around different people, expand your relationship skills, and find out more about the kind of person you want to be in a relationship with. I suggest you keep your private and intimate details as private as you want it to be. It is nobody’s business but yours.
Second, whoever you choose to date, always remember that respect and kindness is a must. If you are out with a person and they show disrespect towards you or they are not kind, then get up and walk away. There is absolutely no need for that behavior towards you.
Lastly, don’t allow anyone to tell you how to live and what they think is best for you and your life. Be careful who you ask for advice from. Even though people we love have good intentions, they’re not always the best people to listen to when it comes to relationships. Ultimately, we are the only ones who truly know what’s best for ourselves. Trust your gut and your instincts because they are there to guide you. Use this time to learn how to improve on trusting both.
Being an empowered Adult Single Woman is about choice – your choice to do what you want, and not do what you don’t want. Your choice to date or not date. You may choose a certain person to be with for a while, and then change your mind if dating that person is not working for you anymore. It’s all in your hands, and whatever you choose is up to you.
I hope this gives you the clarity to understand that you ultimately get to choose how you want things. And the path you decide on will be the right one, because it’s your decision. I wanted you to understand that finding a life partner is a process, and a process that can be fun and exciting. I also hope that I am leaving you more hopeful, because I believe you’re going to have…So. Much. Fun.
Also, if you would like further clarification and would like to talk this through with someone, please watch my masterclass, How to Attract Devoted, Masculine Men in 30 Days or Less, then let’s jump on a quick discovery call.